


JerJer

by The Being (cypherd)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Just Desserts, M/M, Papyrus/Reader (Mentioned), must love animals, terrifying jerry smooches, this is a horrible thing I do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 00:26:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11543595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cypherd/pseuds/The%20Being
Summary: Jeremy's quest to be a better date than Papyrus leads to him asking the advice of another resident of Snowdin...and it leads to more...much more.





	JerJer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smallpersiankitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallpersiankitten/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Must Love Animals](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6440320) by [smallpersiankitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallpersiankitten/pseuds/smallpersiankitten). 



> A small gift of shall we say 'Just Desserts' for smallpersiankitten's delightful mansplaining chode Jeremy.

The sunlight streaming in through the slats in the blinds brought with it the promise that today was going to be a beautiful day outside. Yes, Birds were chirping, even out here in the city and heck, if he listened carefully Jeremy was sure he could hear the gentle buzzing of a...

 

...his sleep fogged eyes lighted on the spindly, ominous shadow moving beneath the blind.

 

“Aw, shit.” He might have just woke up but judging from the looks of it, that was no friendly bumblebee, it was probably a...

 

The tranquility of the morning suddenly broken, he seized the nearest heavy object within arms' reach and yanked up the blind; slamming what was apparently some book - with wild abandon down on - yes in-fuckingdeed, that was a huge, ugly ass wasp. 

 

Well, that had certainly made the morning more...exciting.

 

Of course, where there was one wasp, there might be more. He hoped the day wouldn't be put on hold by involving calling an exterminator to remove a nest.

 

As he tipped the dead husk into the toilet (and peed on it a little) he noticed what he'd used to swat the thing. That stupid 'dating manual' he'd stolen from, well, he hated to think of Papyrus as his 'rival', shit, there shouldn't BE any contest, but the phrasing stuck in his head like a bug in tar. 

 

He winced as he nicked himself shaving with a groan. Geez, he hadn’t done that since he’d been what, seventeen? He inspected his chin in the mirror.

 

Damn that was a gusher, he’d gotten himself deeper than he’d thought. Nowhere near enough to need stitches thank goodness, but this sleep shirt was now going in the laundry, and a couple of toilet paper squares wouldn’t begin to cover it. 

 

This day was off to a less than stellar start; but it was just a small shaving accident and a bug after all. 

 

Maybe it was this that brought him right back to the notion of taking another look through the manual to see if there was anything else in there to mess with the skeleton dick. Or cockblock him. Heh, wordplay. Delightful, and such a shame that he’d never be able to tell anyone about it.

 

...maybe Lori. One day. 10 years into their marriage.

 

Yeah, that would be the best time.

 

Jeremy wasn’t a stupid man however.  He was aware that fooling around with Papyrus further through the book MIGHT not be a fabulous idea, when he knew the brother was on to him...or at least very close to being so without concrete proof. 

 

He was also well aware that Sans probably didn't make idle threats. 

 

But something, even with the wasp and the shaving accident and...the fact he was out of Lucky Charms, which wasn't a major  tragedy, but had to be at least a little ironic, yes something told him that today was going to be a major game changer in his love life. And that meant he just had to persevere.

 

By the time he arrived at his favourite coffee shop, he would have been willing to entertain the idea that someone was just out to get him today.

 

“Sorry, closed for renovations.”

 

The petite woman wearing a pink hard hat and orange safety vest over her ...was that a grey and pink argyle jumper? On a construction site? That matched the hard hat? And how did females that tiny use all that massive equipment anyway?

 

An attractive brunette passing by gave him a rather filthy look.

 

...had he just said that thing about the construction worker aloud?

 

DAMNIT. It really was like someone was conspiring against him today. And he really REALLY wanted to come here; the attractive morning Barista thought he was cute and he could have used the free scone.

 

The question was, what else was open around here? He went here all the time, so…

 

There was a student coffee place, somewhere University kids went, but he could practically see the cloud of barely contained pot smoke billowing out of it, and frankly he did NOT need to make any more horrible decisions today. 

 

He supposed it was just good old Starbucks for a bit. Not like he couldn’t afford it. 

 

There was a line, but Jeremy wasn’t that concerned. It wasn’t long and it gave him a chance to study the menu a bit, figure out what might most closely mimic his regular order.

 

Alright, they had strawberry crumb cake and bugger it, by this point he was totally deserving of a white mocha skinny no whip extra pump latte. 

 

He even managed to keep his composure at the ridiculous price,. And his wallet and cards were mercifully in their usual spot in his pocket

 

Then,  when he reached for the visa debit machine...he knocked a plastic counter display of soft-rock CD's by some  person no one's heard of he could get for free on Apple iTunes...and...

 

Of course, there it was.

 

But to his surprise, no clattering of plastic was forthcoming.

 

“Nice catch…” he told the owner of the...rather spindly arm holding the errant CD.

 

“Weak bro, do you even lift dude?” 

 

He spun to face it, him, what? A four-foot-something creature that resembled nothing so much as what would happen if the spaceships from Plan Nine fucked a potato. A monster, batting its eyelashes at him demurely.

 

“Thank you.” Jeremy tried to tell it brusquely. The thing was DEFINITELY batting his or it’s eyelashes in what it evidently meant to be a somewhat lascivious fashion. 

 

Jeremy took the CD back.

 

"Ah, yeah, sorry ‘bout that there Bro."

 

"Yeah I'll say. No one cool uses that dating manual, dude."

 

Jeremy blinked down at the book, still tucked under his arm. He’d almost put it entirely out of his head during the whole Coffee Shop Musical Chairs incident.

 

Wait.

 

"Hey, so um...you know this book?"

 

"Uh yeah. I lived in Snowdin. It  had shitty wifi. Had to do something to keep from being bored with those losers."

 

The information hit Jeremy like a two pound trout to the face.  Not that he  really kept stalkery tabs on  Papyrus (but didn't the damn skeleton kind of do that to his Lori? so apparently she liked that.)....but fine, the fact that he was around Lori and so was Papyrus for a few mutual activities  meant that he knew more about the Skeleton than he would have damn well liked.

 

"Do you know Papyrus and um…” Shit, the brother's name…um...fonts.  “Sans?" he supplied finally, snapping his fingers. 

 

"Like, sure. Sometimes I'd hang out with Papyrus when I was bored of doing anything awesome."

 

Jeremy considered. Weird guy this...monster, but he didn't seem to particularly hold a high opinion of Papyrus. Reason enough to tolerate for now.

 

"Er... ? What are you…?" he was brought back to the present when he spotted the spud-creature picking up his cake.

 

"Well if you wanna date me, you really should have gotten a kind of cake I like." the monster whined. "But this'll have to do. I think my phone minutes just ran out and the wi-fi here is so bad. So like, I might as well talk to you until something better comes along."

 

Jeremy opened his mouth to either talk or vomit, he wasn’t entirely sure which would be happening if he did right now.  Who still used phone minutes instead of a plan these days?

 

Or wait. 

 

No, no. This was the moment Jeremy had been waiting for. The thing he’d been feeling in his gut all morning about today! This was his chance to get some dirt on the Skeleton without even having to make up a reason to do it, all on the pretense of being polite on a date and asking this Jerry guy about his childhood home. He could...be on...a date...with this….thing. It wasn't like he'd have to touch the monster or anything. 

 

He swallowed down some bile and tried to fashion his expression into the one that made girls weak in the knees. He hoped it wasn’t coming off constipated. “So what kind of drink would you like with your cake, ah...sorry I guess it was rude of me not to catch your name, first..."

 

He took a long pause to make sure he wouldn't choke on what he was going to say next. 

 

"Before I...asked...you out. in the coffee shop line, by knocking over a CD on purpose."

 

"Yeah it was." the monster sniffed. "And I'm Jerry."

 

Well thank every god there was or ever will be it wasn't Jeremy.

 

“Oh, I’ll have a…” Jeremy’s eyes glazed over as the Monster rattled off some convoluted drink order that sounded disgusting...and more expensive than his original cake and drink combined.

 

He handed his card back over to the woman at the til, not bothering to replace his own cake. Yeah he'd been a chubby kid in highschool and  sure some of that had in his case had to do with puberty combined with a fairly sedentary lifestyle but after he had decided to ‘stud up’, he didn't exactly choose to torment himself.  That said, his wallet was presently  definitely getting tormented given that he nearly choked when the cashier read him back the new total of his tab. It should DEFINITELY not come to almost the price of lunch for two just for two coffee drinks that were mostly milk and a single slice of cake. And a bag.

 

Wait.

 

“Excuse me?” he asked, adding grinding his teeth to his list of oral issues  he was presently having. “I think you charged me for the CD. Sorry I didn’t want that...and as you can see it didn’t get broken so”

 

“Oh no, I didn’t put the CD on the bill. I’m giving it to  you.”  The cashier’s laugh became all high and sort of squeaky. 

 

Well that was an improvement. Aw, she had a crush. Monsters were weird but he definitely knew an infatuated girl when he saw one for sure.

 

“It’s playing now!” she continued making a gesture in the air to bring his attention to the ambience. “And I overheard you two. Sorry I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but oh, my boyfriend’s a monster too, so I think it’s sweet. We need more monster human relations!” She waved the CD in his face which presently felt more frozen than a bad Skype connection. “It’s the soundtrack for your first date with Jerry!”

 

“Thank...you.” he said mechanically, mouth on autopilot as he stumbled towards the collection area at the end of the prep station. 

 

“Two drinks for Jer and Jer.” chirped the employee serving their order. Jeremy was put in mind of a whole school of piranha, the way every female in the place suddenly seemed to be scrutinizing his every move with this Jerry creature.

 

Next time he was going to the pot-infested coffee place since he could never show his face in this Starbucks. Or the one across the street. Or any Starbucks until they featured a new artist probably. He could just burn his clothes afterwards.

 

Speaking of clothing, what the hell was with all the people wearing argyle today?

 

"And that's why the Third Matrix Movie is the best of the trilogy and really the only one worth watching.” Jerry maneuvered his lumpy body to the edge of his armchair for the express purpose of stomping one of his four spindly legs on the floor, which knocked the leg of the table and set their plates to rattling. “Ugh, those people over there are hogging the comfy chairs.”

 

Jeremy could feel his eyes glazing over. Jerry had been talking about ...the Matrix movies, apparently for...his eyes drifted over to the clock behind the coffee counter, remembering the last time he’d tried to check his phone, which had prompted a long whinefest about his supposed rudeness, in spite of the fact that Jerry had been reciting Wikipedia for, yep, over an hour now.  Maybe.

 

At the now-quiet counter, the cashier was talking to some massive monster. Probably the boyfriend judging by the sickening looks they were giving each other and the way he kept pawing at her arm. 

 

“Hey Jerry, there’s nothing left on the plate.” He cut into the latest tirade, as a hand brushed his knee.

 

Geez, she wasn't even that good looking, maybe a 5 or a 6 at best....but he kind of supposed he got the choice in boyfriend at least in THIS case. It was humanoid and massive and probably had an enormous cock.

 

...and he was thinking about cock now, WHY? 

 

There was clearly a part of him, the niggling long buried part that still resented the zit-ridden butterball from highschool  that was pointing out that HE was on a date with a spotty  lumpy potato and the girl he'd liked for ages seemed to prefer a dickless skeleton. Literally.

 

He forced himself to return to the conversation. He'd intended on getting some dirt on Papyrus and they hadn't even gotten anywhere NEAR that yet. 

 

For an HOUR.

 

"So yeah, those Matrix Movies….um. The third one especially.” he made sure to add as every elite nerd molecule in him screamed blue murder. “Hey, a lot of them are based off of Anime tropes. You like Anime?"

 

Geez NOW what was he DOING? He was here to get the dirt on Papyrus. . Still, given their limited and dated (and not to mention the campfest that was MTT - there was a WHOLE other thing,) options along with the sudden expanded library, media new and old was a pretty popular conversational topic for plenty of Monsters, not just ones with specifically nerdy interests. 

 

Besides, just because he'd changed physically didn't mean he still didn't enjoy Anime quite a bit. Maybe if he was kind of resigned to a topic for awhile it could at the very least be something he had a lasting interest in. 

  
  


“What? No, Anime’s lame. That cartoon shit is just for little kids. I totally said that myself. Because I’m just that cool. Hey man, you’re lucky you have me here now.”

 

No. He could do this. He COULD turn this around.

 

“You said...you’ve read this book before.”  He held up the dating handbook again.

 

“Uh yeah. Wow. Your listening skills haven’t gotten any better.”

 

Jeremy grit his teeth. “Then, perhaps you can...explain it to me. As in...how to use it to be a better date than Papyrus.”

 

Jerry looked the human male up and down. “Well actually...yeah. You totally need my help. Explaining it to you. I guess you paid for the coffee...but you have to start liking better movies. It’s okay. You should read my blog. ” 

 

“Oh I will.” Jeremy lied through his teeth, relieved he was finally getting somewhere.

 

“So now I guess you have to walk me home.”

 

Jeremy did NOT want to see where this thing lived. “Um...how about you walk ME home. As um...a demonstration.”

 

“Ugh. FINE”

 

“And I will get you a cab. AND FARE! Um, what else can I do to be better than Papyrus?”

 

“Don’t you have any standards? That guy is SO lame.”

 

‘Don’t you?’ is what Jeremy wanted to say, but instead he said “Well, I have to start somewhere.”

 

Maybe it wasn’t the dirt that Jeremy was hoping for, but there was some important stuff hidden in the rambling about poorly fact checked movie trivia and the location of all the important Fedora shops. Every time that Jeremy managed to ask something about Snowdin, he was starting to learn that Papyrus wasn’t very well liked and THAT at least gave him hope. At least Lori might see it finally.

  
Yeah, he could believe that everyone just ditched him half the time without a ride  Would explain why his brother hovered over him like a mother hen. He hated THAT guy even more.

 

He was actually surprised to find the walk hadn’t been the dreadful ordeal he’d imagined it to be. When you have something to focus on...he guessed.

 

“Um, so this is me…” he started to fish in his pocket for his keys. Maybe he could get inside before Jerry and not have to give him cash. Oh it was a shitty thing to do and he knew it, but the urge to just ditch the guy was so strong.

 

Success.

 

He pulled out his keys and opened the door, sighing with relief.

 

“Hey,”

 

How. How did monsters keep getting inside his home? HOW? Well fine, he wasn’t a jerk. He’d promised.

 

“Man how basic can you get? Don’t you even think to kiss at the end of a date?”

 

Jeremy almost screamed. But...whatever it took at this point. “FINE. But not in public. Humans don’t kiss in public and I’m going on a date with a human.”

 

“Sure humans kiss in public.”

 

“In the movies. Look over here. The stairwell.”

 

He was one peck on whatever counted for this thing’s cheek and twenty bucks away from ending this. Hey Monsters, how’s THIS for determinatio---

 

That was NOT determination. Oh god oh god oh holy dear sweet merciful shit, Jerry was kissing him.

 

Now, Jeremy had had a few nasty experiences. A kid at camp had sat on his head and farted on his face. He’d fallen off one of the high diving boards at the public pool. He’d drank something he thought was leftover chocolate milk but turned out his mum had already put washing up liquid in the cup…

 

...and all of those experiences combined paled compared to this.

 

He moaned in disgust and to his mounting horror, Jerry mistook the sound for  an invitation to carry on. 

 

He trembled; god it was like kissing a hefty bag full of questionable binned items and ancient dorito dust. 

 

The door opened, at the bottom of the stairwell and Jeremy’s heart leapt at the sound of approaching footsteps.

 

"Whoops!" Tittered a voice. 

 

Oh god, no, No no, so much no. It was his two across the hall neighbour and her roommate. Both gorgeous, single and straight.

 

The other one, Suzi  cooed like she was looking at someone’s adorable fluffy pet  and pointed directly at the...GOD, why was he still holding onto this stupid dating book in plain view. He had a shopping bag.he could have transported it to at any given timei

 

"See Maura? I told you he was gay...."

 

"No!" Jeremy wanted to yell but his mouth was full of wriggling monster tongue that still had some weird dorito guck aftertaste despite the fact they'd both just been drinking coffee and eating cakes.

 

"Aww, it is cute!” Maura sighed as they turned to leave, the stairwell amplifying their attempts to whisper between themselves.  And on a date too...you know, come to think of it I thought I saw some skeleton monster leave his place a few nights back.  Guess he only dates monsters. Male monsters."

 

"Did you notice he was trembl---" and the door shut behind them, while Jeremy drowned in misery. 

 

“Yeah so um, next time we’ll go somewhere with better wi-fi babe.” Something touched his ass. He made a noise like a mouse getting backed over by a tanker truck that he was not terribly proud of; not that he was terribly proud of much at this point.

 

“Yes, yes next time. I’m just feeling a bit sick.” Jeremy babbled, He was aware that he’d just agreed to another date, but also desperate to get out of there as soon as was humanly possible. Emphasis on the ‘humanly’. 

 

Jeremy swung the door so hard it banged the wall, hurried in and put a merciful solid two inches of metal and wood between him and Jerry. He blessed the levator and the front door and every inch, no centimetre no, atom f distance that put space between him and that vile alien spud.

 

The poor old dating book went across the room with a hook shot that the basketball coach at his high school would have been proud of him for, and he didn't even care to see where it had landed, already plumbing the depths of his kitchen for the strongest liquor he had on hand, incidentally a bottle of cooking sherry he'd bought three years ago. The stuff was practically vinegar by this point but he ripped it open and chugged until he couldn't taste anything but acid.. He wasn't hurting for regular alcohol either thank goodness, and  he was soon double fisting  two beers while he cowered under the shower spray in the bathroom like a drunken sickly insect, waiting for its final gasp so the husk be spiraled away with the spray down the hole from whence it came.

 

One shower of shame and two or five bottles more beer later, his mind was free of the whole ghastly incident, and all other conscious thought besides.

 

The next morning had him sitting up, rubbing his head which was NOT happy with the amount of alcohol he’d poured into it that night.. 

 

Ugh, when did he...when did he even get sort of...into...the general vicinity of his bed?

 

He remembered very little past the opening credits of ....what movie had he watched? He peered at his iTunes queue. 

 

The Matrix Reloaded? God, he must have been TRASHED. Who watched The Matrix Reloaded when…

 

...and suddenly he remembered why he might think to watch that. Particular. Film.

 

No  WAY.

 

No, yesterday had been a bad dream. 

 

A horrible, terrible, no good very very VERY bad dream brought on by...being less than scrupulous about how much he’d been drinking  That was right. He hadn’t drank that much since University and he’d misjudged terribly and had a nightmare.  A nightmare of disgusting whiny potato blobs and people with terrible fashion sense

 

The dating handbook had landed on his opposite pillow.

 

Yes, because he had found this stupid thing and thought of the dumb skeleton and then had gotten a bit irrational, 

 

The story was starting to come together. The real story.

 

Wait...that music. 

 

It took him a few seconds to first realize that it was a ringtone, then a few more seconds to find the phone and confirm it was his. When had he changed his ringtone and why did he know the song? He almost didn’t want to look at his phone, but this was getting more than a little abstract. He needed to know some answers and  he definitely needed to start doing damage control if need be.

 

….oh who was he kidding. This was going to be a shit show.

 

He hit the home key on his mobile and was presented with a literal sea of notifications. Oh boy.

 

Three from his parents. A (probably) accidental face time, a missed and a voice mail  Well...that wasn’t promising but fortunately he’d never been known for his wildly rebellious streak as a kid so they were probably just calling to see if he was okay.

 

He keyed in the passcode for his voicemail box and braced for a mini lecture on the dangers of drinking too much

 

“Honey! We are so, so, so proud of you! What an emotional night this must be, but we wanted to call and say that we love you sweetie. We will always love you!”

 

“The actual fuck?” he muttered aloud. Listening to it again offered no insight. 

 

The rest of the messages were all face book notifications. 

 

He didn’t even recognize half of these screen names. At least seven were friend requests from someone named Alphys. He kind of knew that name too...and at LEAST it wasn’t Jerry. Where from, where fro---oh yeah, the one who was into anime.

 

That seemed alright but frankly, he thought it was a bit too much to hope for that she just wanted to watch anime some time. Besides, wasn’t she a lesbian? And a lizard?

 

Apparently not, as all of her messages were variations on JERJER, OTP! And <3 emoticons. Yeesh. Learn some Netiquette and personal space. Jer-jer? Really? A bit cutesey.

 

Three other friend requests from MORE monsters he’d never even seen before.

 

A long string of messages was from one of his college buddies. His old residence hall mate Jamal. Okay, finally.

 

>> Yo dude u get punk’d?

 

>> Srsly Jer? U there?

 

>> K so u seen this?

 

Jamal Tyrone has sent you a file. Accept? Decline? Is this spam? Click Here to Report.

 

Jeremy’s hand twitched so hard he dropped the phone on the bed.

 

There in full glorious colour was a photo of him and Jerry locked in what look to be a passionate kiss in the stairwell of his building.

 

The photo stared up from his bedspread and he was going to kill those two idiots across the hall and…

 

  1. He peered more closely at the picture. Very clearly in the background were Maura and Suzi headed in the opposite direction, facing away from the camera.



 

That hallway had been empty.

 

Who or WHAT could have gotten that picture? Worse yet, it meant that all of yesterday did in fact happen.

 

Oh god, he was OUT- FALSELY OUT to the whole damn world. And if his parents...and Jamal and ALPHYS who was friends with Papyrus who was still not out of the life of...

 

….SHIT.

 

Jeremy almost started hyperventilating. He could still fix this. Even if Lori had seen, He. Could. Still. Fix…

 

The doorbell rang.

 

WHAT NOW?

 

He passed the Coffee house CD he’d junked on the hall table.

 

Oh THAT was the ringtone. Huh. The song was at least kind of nice but there was NO way he was keeping it or ever listening to it again now.

 

He peered out into the hall through the peep hole. Whoever it was had gone….

 

Fearing the worst, he opened the door, which looked normal. There was a small package in the threshold however, A single piece of candy was inside. A single, round chocolate truffle. He couldn’t think where it came from...there was no shops like that around here, nothing to indicate the sender or even where it came from.

 

There was however a card, adorned with a...was that an argyle bow? The message was to the point.

 

Just Desserts, JerJer. 

 

The chill that raced down his spine from reading that was beyond creepy. He had the strongest urge to fling the chocolate right down the elevator shaft. Or out the window into traffic.

 

He was half way to the street-facing window to do the later. He was beyond over thinking  this. He’d say it was a prank gone a bit tasteless. He’d explain himself.

 

He’d OUTLAW the nickname JerJer.and…

 

OH.

 

Oh god no. JerJer wasn’t a nickname.

 

It was the name of his pairing. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
